their dazzling tale

Monday, October 22, 2007

this little idiot durian lian is sitting in the school canteen right now, waiting for her next lecture, chem at 12. she looks a the girl sitting at the next table eating her plate of chicken rice with a side of soy sauce egg. she cringes in half-disgust, half-envy as she discreetly (as discreet as she can manage, anyway) watches the girl cut the chicken into bite-sized morsels and spoon them into her mouth.

she is sick of living her life this way, but really, what can she do?
she wishes for several things in life:

a)that a mad gun-weilding policeman will come charging into the canteen and go on a shooting rampage. some people are slightly injured, but only she dies.

b)that on the way to lecture/home, she will collapse in a heap and wake up with a brand new perspective on life and food

c)that a group of medical students, milling around the canteen flaunting their stethoscopes around their necks, will approach her and say that she has been chosen to be their guinea pig in their first brain transplant operation, all because the computer has randomly selected her name out of the thousands of other students. and then she will eagerly jump at the opportunity, because, let's face it, what does she have to lose???

d)that she could just disinfect her brain to rid it of all traces of Ed, so that she can go back to the way she was before..she wasn't the thinnest person she knew, there were countless others skinnier than she was, but...at least she enjoyed her time on earth a hell lot more...

she knows this post will probably be just that- a post. it will most likely not precipitate any major changes in the forseeable future and she will continue to stumble through life blinded by her sick, psychotic mind, wishing 90% of the time that if god was so unwilling to help her, then at LEAST can he just cease her life now and here?? or is even THAT too much to ask??

every morning of every day, she gets fricking pissed that her mother keeps looking at her with that...Look of Sheer Disappointment. she feels like yelling...

"Oh for god's holy sake, do both of us a favour and quit looking at me like that! why do you look at me when you CLEARLY cant stand the sight of me? next time, DONT wake up to prepare breakfast for me. stay in bed, sleep in, and continue dreaming of a life in which you had a NORMAL daughter. one who didn't bring you so much misery, heartache, distress, sorrow, gloom, anguish and unhappiness.

i know how you're green with burning envy everytime you see mothers with their Normal Daughters in the streets. look, i dont know what the HELL happened and how Ed managed to charm me into letting him into my life, but i sure as hell did NOT ask for it. Get it?? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth???

so before you think, 'Why is she doing this to me? What kind of selfish bitch ass daughter would subject her mother to such psychological torture?', maybe you should consider how I, yes, not YOU, feel as well.

everyone keeps telling me, "you know how much you're hurting your parents and how sad they are to see you like that?"??? which is another way of saying, "this is all YOUR fault, asshole! your mother is teetering on the border of depression because of the pain YOU are causing her. all you have to do to make her happy so that she may find joy in life, is to eat more and look fatter! now, what could POSSIBLY be so difficult about that? doesnt EVERYONE love food?? its one of life's biggest enjoyments! it doesnt matter what you feel, because your feelings dont matter in the grander scheme of things! nobody fucking cares about how your stupid brain works. just eat and make them happy! then everyone will be happy! whoopee!"

at this point, the idiot durian lian looks around her (Miss Chicken Rice has departed, thank heavens) and sees this skinny ass of a girl sitting diagonally from her, bent over her homework, oblivious to the idiot's unjustified (and unjustifiable) intense glares.

how come SHE gets to be so thin and yet 'normal'? its not fair that some people were born with the Thin Genes! it's not fair that some people's metabolic rates are constantly at Vmax of the Possible Metabolic Rate of All Humans graph.

she may not possess sufficient intellect to get even 3 As for her Alevels, but she bets she knows what you're thinking. you're thinking, precisely because it's GENES which dictate how naturally thin a person can be, she doesnt have the authority to change that (unless she organises some kind of coup to overthrow Mother Nature) and she should just wake up and smell the bloody coffee that she must just learn to live with her fat, like other people do.

how is it that she wasn't lured by the sweet persuasions of Ed before, and was able to enjoy other more important aspects of her life, liiiiiike her friends, family, guys, shopping...it all seems so distant now, so far into the past that it's quickly becoming buried by cobwebs. which have been spun by Normal Spiders, mind you. she's certain that even spiders enjoy their insectarian meals, gross as they may sound.

she's at the crossroads of a constant internal debate.
sometimes she thinks, oh to hell with Ed. what right has he got to infiltrate my mind like that? he's an invader, a pest, a nuisance, a pain, and one that has brought me and my family SUFFERING. get him out of your life, durian, and free yourself from his clutches! i have NO life to speak of right now. and Ed has taken that away from me.

and then as quickly as these sudden bursts of sensibility strikes, they are soon replaced by, you spineless freakhead you! don't give in to tempation! you HATE feeling full, remember??? its a DISGUSTING feeling, and one that you absolutely detest. if you eat that, you are SO going to curse yourself and everything else in your life. you will beat yourself up for it. you have displayed your lack of will and seld discipline.

so...what's a tormented mind like hers to do? of course, this would spark a heated argument between Ed and Logic. Logic tells her, Why are we even HAVING this conversation???? i'm LOGIC, for pete's sake. there should be no question that you obey me! unless of course, you are a weirdo freakazoid, which...you are.

and then Ed butts his bloody (which the durian wishes she could make bloodier) nose in and adjusts the spotlight so that it shines on him alone. he takes the stage and blares into the mike "DUUUURIAN YOU DONT WANT TO BE FAT LIKE OTHER PEEEEEEOPLE. THEY'RE FAT AND BULKY AND ROLL AROUND AS SPHERES. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THAAAAAAAT. LISTEN TO MEEEEEEEEE, I AM YOUR HUSBAAAAAAAAND, THE NUCLEUS OF ALL YOUR CELLS, THE COMMANDER OF ALL COMMANDERS."

well it's gonna be 12 soon and her chem lecture's gonna start. she doesnt want to be miserable AND stupid, so she posts this entry, goes to the toilet for a wee and attends the lecture like a good durian should.

Last Updated @ 10:20 AM

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