tonight SUCKED. it absolutely positively 100percent-ly sucked. I ATE SOME DINNER. AND THEN I ATE POTATO CHIPS AND ICE CREAM AFTER DINNER. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! normally, the rule is, if i put so much as a morsel of solid food into my mouth at dinner, i CANNOT eat all that junk afterwards. but i broke the golden rule today. i ate some pieces of fish skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wasnt supposed to. but really, fish skin is nice. no, i didnt eat the fish meat. havent done so for...maybe a month. that goes for other forms of meat like chicken and pork and beef and prawns and vege and whatever other proper food there are. in fact, i think the only stuff i've been consuming recently lie at the fricking top of the food pyramid. LIKE ice cream. i think almost EVERY SINGLE BLOODY DAY i eat like 2 tablespoons of ice cream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know what you're thinking. you're thinking,

"i thought she doesnt even want to eat? how come she dares to eat all that unhealthy junk??? doesnt she know it's much worse than eating proper meals??? she is so stupid! she's going to spoil her diet like this!"

AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?????

im being STUPID RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like, SHOULDNT I EAT MY LUNCH AND DINNER INSTEAD OF ONLY EATING JUNK FOOD AT NIGHT????? thats what LOGICAL, RATIONAL people like you would think! but here comes the problem: IM NOT NORMAL ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why the HELL do i care so much about being thin????????????? what the hell is the point??????!!!!!!!!!!! i feel like i have a split personality. Evil Vanda and Sensible Vanda co-habiting in my mind.

so anyway, like the PIG and stinking idiot that i am, i didnt eat anything the whole day until just now when i ate some pieces of fish skin from dinner. i discarded the fish meat and the vege and the prawns and the sotong............

i'm sorry, starving children of africa. i really am. believe me, i would gladly give all my food to you if ever we could meet.

but all that is of inconsequence when you consider the crimes i committed AFTER dinner. I ATE POTATO CHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND 2 TABLESPOONS OF ICE CREAM. of course i didnt finish the whole bag, but STILL. a chip is a chip is a chip. a handful of chips HAS CALORIES TOO. whats the point of abstaining from food the whole day when at night i eat stupid things like that?????

but i just cant bring myself to eat in the day. i just HATE that feeling of fullness you know? and i cant go about my daily activities on a bulging tummy. right now i feel very full. and i loathe it. i wish i could burst my damned stomach. puncture it. pierce it till everything flows out. i shouldnt have been so greedy. I SHOULDNT HAVE EATEN THOSE CHIPS. =( i feel like crying.

last saturday we went to the doctor. yes, the shrink. yes, the one i have to go to because i have a MENTAL PROBLEM. im not afraid to say it. so im insane. big deal. and my stupid mother was like, "how come she's not showing any improvement even though shes eating..." blah blah shit crap rubbish manure dung faeces rotting rat's puke. stupid idiot. so i snapped at her. "so you won't be happy until you see me fatter la!" nope, i certainly didnt give a flying F about watching my tone. so what if the doctor and his wife were there? SO WHAT. they're sucking my dad of 300+++++ damned dollars a MONTH. might as well give them a good show to watch and talk about over dinner with the family.

and then it occurred to me that all this while i've been lying them. they think im eating, but im not. not like a NORMAL girl, anyway. i only eat at night. oh shit. no i dont!!!!!! in the morning i eat about half a slice of bread. oh god..perhaps i should eat less for breakfast too. so there they are, forking out percious money to pay for the stupid medicine which supposedly is an anti-depressant, and here i am,unwilling to change. im a sinner i tell you. a sinnerrrrrrrrrrrrrr. in fact, just the other day, i received satan's invitation to join him in ruling hell.

i just hate my life. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i wish somebody would KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! every meal time is a harrowing experience. check that they arent watching, and then shove the food one at a time into my pocket or a tissue or something. and then the next mealtime comes,and the cycle repeats itself allllllllll over again. like a fricking bad videotape.

SO that brings me to my point. WHY CANT I CHANGE MY ATTITUDE????? why do i want to be as thin as possible???